The Hidden Power of Friendship

It can be hard to make friends as adults — and hard to keep friends as well. You may have read about the challenges, and likely have experienced them. We can face loneliness or a lack of close friendships at any age. I recognize this at my age and see it also in my kids and their peers. 

The truth is that if you feel lonely or a lack of connection, you aren’t alone. A 2021 study reports that 12% of Americans say they have no close friends. Even more are dissatisfied with the number of friends they have. 

But studies also show us how important friendships are. This is something I know to be true. When I have a friend I can talk to about anything, I have more energy for the rest of my life. I have more resilience and courage to move forward. 

Why Might Friendship Seem So Hard? 

Friendships often take the backseat to family or romantic relationships and work. While that may seem to make sense, we need friendships too. Unfortunately, when we’re busy, making time for friends might be the thing that gets pushed out of the schedule. 

Add to that travel, moves away from a former home, and the isolation of illness, injury, or other reasons that keep you at home, and we’re losing friends and not making new ones. 

At the same time, we live in a world that feels always connected, but we are often on a very surface level in our social interactions, which can feel worse. 

What Can We Do to Make Friends? 

To make friends you need to meet people. That can be hard if you are shy or socially anxious. And to develop a deep friendship, you need to go beyond the surface. You need to be willing to be vulnerable to gain intimacy. 

Making friends takes time. That can feel like a barrier when you’re busy, and it can feel frustrating when you’re lonely. But spending time with somebody, doing things you both enjoy together, sharing more about yourself, learning about them … it’s all part of building relationships. 

You don’t have to start from scratch. You may know people already who are acquaintances or casual friends who could become deeper friends. Reach out to them. See if they want to walk or get coffee or go to an event with you. See where conversation takes you. 

What Can We Do to Maintain Friendships? 

My friendships matter to me deeply, but even so, sometimes I go too long without connecting. I spend part of the year on Cape Cod in Massachusetts and part of the year in California. And we travel to see our kids and granddaughter, to ski, to go to weddings. Sometimes I feel like I’m not in one place enough to maintain friendships, but I do. 

I have a friend in California I walk with every week. I have a friend on the Cape I swim with regularly. And I have a system to remind me to reach out. 

I choose who and how I’ll reach out — meeting in person, a phone call or Zoom, a letter. After I do it, I write down a few words about what I enjoyed about that connection. Writing how I felt, solidifies the warm feelings of friendship and the joy of that exchange. That reminder helps me reach out again.

Sometimes we feel like it’s been too long, that it would be awkward to reach out, but that just makes a divide deeper, just makes us more lonely. If it’s been a while, try: 

• Hi! I miss you. Let’s get together for a walk (or whatever activity you both enjoy). Offer a few specific times. 
• Text a picture of the two of you with a memory. 
• Connect with a thinking of you message — maybe you passed by your friend’s old house or are on the campus where you met years ago or read a book you know they’d love. Share that in a text or email or letter. 

Take the Risk

Whether it’s being the person who reaches out in a long-term friendship or stepping out of your comfort zone to get to know a potential new friend a little better, friendship is worth it. 

Our friends open themselves to us and share in our joys and worries and hopes and fears. Our friends are there when we need support of all kinds. 

Our friendships make us happier and healthier. Putting time and energy into friendship pays off in greater resilience, courage, and JOY. 

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